Slayer a.k.a. Addie Beall
Sharing my weight loss and mid-life metamorphosis. I have found my heart sing and want to share with you everything I’m learning–finally learning! To think it was all out there free! I’m going to slay 126 pounds by 9/2019. I’m down 70 pounds down in 12 months as of February 2019. Join me as I slay these last 60 pounds.
It’s not too late, no matter where you are–I promise you that! I was a blob of overweight, sobbing misery and I’m living an inspired life again and my soul is radiating…
Maybe you are like I was not too long ago. Middle-aged, overweight, overworked and feeling depressed and hopeless. Once a huge dreamer, I had let myself fall apart in service to others and my bad habits. I worked too much and put myself last too many times! I knew this, just like I knew how to be healthy, but I didn’t know what to do, where to start, or what I really wanted out of my life. I’m writing this blog to share what I have learned and what is to come as I slay my bad habits to get to my weight loss goal. I love to share knowledge and my life and if in the process it can help that woman out there that was me–curled up in a ball in bed, heart aching, miserable, begging the universe for guidance to rise again—to find her inner light, joy for living and make her dreams come true. I’m here to tell you…
IT’S NOT TOO LATE. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE.
Growing up in an overweight, meat and potatoes, clean-your-plate kind of Michigan family, I have spent my entire life searching for a way to not be Fat Addie. From being called “Addie, Fattie” on the playground to being rejected by boys because “she would be really pretty if she wasn’t so fat” –these things stuck in my head for years and took their toll. Having a Father that at one point weighted in over 800 pounds did not help my quest for normal in our small town. There were whispers all around me. I obsessed about not being worthy because of my weight.I played three sports and was a pretty good athlete.
I look back and think, “I wasn’t even THAT fat”. I really don’t know what I weighed back then, but let’s suffice it to say my mind was already fucked up regardless. I remember practicing breathing quietly so I wouldn’t sound like I was breathing heavy like my Dad did as I sat in class. I struggled with my love for him and my desire to just be normal. To be like the girls and women I saw on TV and the magazines. Eventually, I learned to ignore people. I learned to deal with my feelings the same way he did: buffering with books, alcohol, food, TV…anything to not feel. I have forgiven him and myself for feeling like I needed to forgive him.
In my 20’s and 30’s I went up and down but would guess I was always over 200 and mostly hovering around 240. At 5’9” this was still 70-80 pounds over my healthy weight. In 2003 I had the most success with Weight Watchers and lost 50 pounds online and hit Onederland (under 200 pounds). I planned and worked out like crazy. Soon after this change I quit smoking and I gained back that 50 plus more. I hadn’t dealt with the real issues behind my smoking so I ate and drank my emotions instead of smoking them away.
Where were the tools to learn how to live a sustainable lifestyle, to change our thoughts so it would become a natural way to live? To live like those “normal, skinny people”?
LIFE GOT CRAZY—THE POUNDS CAME CALLIN’
Fast Forward December 2017- I was up to almost 300 pounds. This picture is painful to look at, even now. I couldn’t even believe I had let myself get this far and it wasn’t getting better. I am learning to forgive myself for so many things, and the abuse of my body is one of them.
In 2017, at around 265, I had moved back to Arizona from Hawaii leaving my youngest daughter there with her father (she’s 9, I have a 24-year-old as well). I came here to care for my Mother with terminal cancer. Add in a new high-stress job and I was a HOT MESS. I had my heart broken the previous year and hadn’t dealt with that either. I kept myself going by eating, and drinking… anything to avoid stopping and feeling. I was depressed and suffered from anxiety like I had never in my life experienced before.
I was begging for help. Asking everywhere. I was already back at Weight Watchers but it just wasn’t clicking this time. I tried multiple meetings, but I had no passion for it and was not engaged and failing. I felt there was nothing new for me to learn there and I was frustrated I couldn’t just repeat with my 2003 passion. This depressed me even more. I couldn’t figure out how to balance my life. At the Doctor’s office, I got referred to a Keto Doctor, and I also looked into weight loss surgery. I was going to get the lap band, but luckily you have to wait 6 months.
As always, I thought that if I could get my weight in control I would be happy.
WHAT CHANGED-MY BIG THREE
Three things happened once I started asking the Universe.
First, I read some fictional books by Lillian Blake, Single Wide Female. I thought these were just a mindless escape, but these books spurred my transformation and were inspirational in a chick-lit kind of way. Samantha, the heroine, is a pretty, heavier girl who starts a bucketlist on her blog. It wasn’t far-out-there I’m going to have in 10 years bucket list though, it was like a NOW bucket list. I started one that is ongoing and I add to it frequently.
The second important moment I found while checking off one of these bucket list items! A free meditation clinic came across my newsfeed. What the heck? Why not? Then I could check this off the bucket list too. I went. I learned. I felt it and I was hooked. It instantly made me feel the connection and see life.
Can you see the Universe working here?
The third important moment was when one of my good friends told me about her cousin who had just lost 90 pounds and she thought it sounded like something I would dig. As she told me this on the phone, I did what you are going to do—rolled my eyes up into my head. “Sure, it worked for her but won’t work for me.” The thought in our head, or something similar-always there ready to sabotage us.
YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU THINK
Out of respect and love for my friend, I thought I had to at least try. I checked it out: www.Phit-N-Phat.com. The rest is history. It has been a half a year of binge worthy podcasts and learning from Corinne Crabtree of PNP-PhitNPhat, Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School, Rachel Hart (Take a Break from drinking), Rise Sister Rise by Rebecca Campbell and the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron are my current obsessions. Not all of these things may resonate with you, but it doesn’t hurt to try! Keep asking and trying new things.
The tools are out there—FREE! And here I prided myself on someone who likes to read and learn anything to do with nutrition, but like many of you the inside of my brain looked something like this—“Oh, that will never work for me.” Or “I tried something like that before and it didn’t work” or “I can’t afford it”. You CAN do this. Take Action. A small step.
IT’S ALL JUST THAT GOOD
The mindwork will be the most important thing you learn and apply yourself to, but there are smaller steps to start with. I spent years numbing my emotions-with food or a glass of wine, working too much, and ignoring my inner badass self. This year I am putting an end to my self-medicating ways and I’m writing this to share how and my continued progress toward my physical and emotional goals. Sure, I still F-up frequently, but I recognize it now and adapt. Small changes add up. Listen to a podcast, drink enough water, write your food down. Pick one. Whatever your choice media is—it’s there. Like to listen? Podcasts and Audio Books galore! Social Media junkie? Follow the Facebook pages and listen to LIVES. Like smaller groups? Go on the pages and ask! It’s in your hands.
SOULSHINE, IT’S BETTER THAN SUNSHINE, IT’S BETTER THAN MOONSHINE, DAMN SURE BETTER THAN RAIN….
This Allman Bros song became my mantra before I even started this soul-searching adventure. It struck home on many levels. No, this does not mean that you have to take a break from the booze as I have, but if you are “relaxing” or buffering in someway with alcohol, then it’s worth looking into what that means to you and being brutally honest with yourself. This IS about finding what makes your soul shine and doing those things.
WTF IS THIS SLAYER PERSON?
Slayer was born a few months into my 2018 transformation while working on my concept of my future self. Slayer is my future-self-skinny-girl name. Slayer wakes up and attacks the world with passion. She is badass and slays goals left and right. She is my inner Goddess and best self. She is the one whose heart sings daily, and makes sure that happens. Slayer continues to learn and share and is so excited about life she can hardly be contained! She is the Storyteller and unbound by restrictions. She is a lover of all her sisters. She is everything I am meant to be. I AM Slayer. Who are you?
Nine months ago I was curled up in my bed, not wanting to shower and go to work. Today, I can hardly sleep because I want to get up and slay the day! I hope you enjoy reading what have been some life altering moments for me this past year and as I’m finding more and more to learn and continue to grow, in the future, as I continue to radiate and find my inner light–my healthy and happy goddess, Slayer.
Slay the Day My Sisters!